The Boxing Day tsunami has taken another victim: Mark Latham's career. Former Labor leader Latham is currently drowning in a sea of Mars bars and donuts according to sources. Kim Beazley has taken over the leadership of the Australian Labor Party... again. "This could be a good thing. Or after some time, this could prove not be a good thing. Either way, the Howard government must be held accountable," Beazley said in a press conference about his re-selection. The biggest controversy of the last month involved the revelation that a schizophrenic woman on the missing persons list, Cornelia Rau, was locked up as an illegal immigrant in Baxter Detention Centre for 10 months, because she claimed to be a German citizen. "It's not our fault," said a government spokesman, "on the surface, all German people seem crazy!" Mamdouh Habib has been returned to Australia, a lot thinner, after having been released by America from Guantanamo Bay without charge after 40 months in custody. Having already sold his story to Channel 9's 60 Minutes, Habib is looking into further opportunities. Look in newsagents next month for "THE HABIB DIET: HOW I LOST 20KG BY BEING ELECTROCUTED AND SHAT ON" in Women's Day. Keanu Reeves received a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. He issues a statement that said: "Whoa." The Pope has been ill with a throat infection, leaving many to call for his resignation. A visiting Australian children's choir hoping to visit his holiness in Rome, sang a rendition of "Wonderwall" by drunken 90s coke head Brit pop band Oasis, and now the Pope believes he has died and gone to hell. The pope mobile will make a nice glass coffin though. A Melbourne housewife, Maria Corp, is still in a coma after being mysteriously locked in the boot of her car for four days. Police believe the key to her disappearance may lie in her being registered on an swingers web matchmaker internet site. In her online bio, Corp states she likes "bondage, slapping, and being mysteriously locked in a car boot for four days." Weird! Former Australian intelligence official Rob Barton has come out saying he was involved in the interrogation of Iraqi scientists, after the Austrailan government has denied for months Australians were ever present. Defense minister Robert Hill has clarified the situation by saying they were actually being "interviewed" and not "interrogated." While I don't want to argue with Mr Hill in this forum, we can beat him at his own game of reclaiming language, and I challenge every one of my readers to redfine the word "interview" for the next month as alluding to people being treated in harsh circumstances, probably with violence. Here are some examples to get you started, the best person who e-mails me back will get published in the next issue and win a free round of beers or coffee next time you see me. Examples: "The terrorist attacks on the world trade centre resulted in the interviewing of over 3000 innocent people" "Thousands of innocent Sudanese are being interviewed every month" "I'd really love to interview John Howard!!" It certainly gives new meaning to job interviews. Finally, Australian scientists have cloned a cow according to AAP. "Getting a DNA sample off Ms Vanstone proved to be the most difficult bit," one scientist said. back