Banana Report #71, April 2004 In the past month: A week before the Spanish presidential elections, a terrorist bomb went off on the Madrid railways killing at least 200 people. The US sent hundreds of police to help with the investigations, but after two weeks all they managed to discover was churros, the delicious Spanish donut served dipped in chocolate. In an effort to curb terrorist attacks, 'train marshalls' appear to have been installed on all Sydney CityRail trains. Unshaven and smelly, these terrorist fighters are prepared to counter any attack with a lengthy, incoherent rant about the pros of socialism before proceeding to urinate on themselves and spill metho on anyone nearby. Don't ask about their Styrofoam cup collection! With gang rape and drug abuse allegations having almost ruined Rugby League and the Viking-esque team the Canterbury Bulldogs, here at The Banana Report we have managed to uncover a dark side to another entertainment scene. It seems groups of young men and women are going to rock gigs and dance clubs not only to watch music BUT also in the vain hope of having sex. Drug and alcohol use is also often involved, with many people downing endless glasses of hopped malt liquid known as 'beer' in an attempt to appear more seductive. Many musicians and singers in 'rock bands' often go home and have sex with young women, and not unlike their pack raping footballing cousins, might even wind up with different girls on occasion. Look for an undercover investigation of these wild sex fiends and their DNA test results in The Daily Telegraph in the future! It's been one year since the US invaded Iraq. When asked for comment on the past year, one former anonymous Iraqi government member said: "the lying infidels will never come. it is a lie. we will crush them all." A man has confessed to murder after watching Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ. You'd murder too if you'd paid $14 to see it. It's been discovered that cocaine use is linked to memory loss - which explains why everyone has forgotten Robert Palmer so quickly. And why my editors keep forgetting to pay me. Delta Goodrem has been nominated for a Gold Logie, with one insider declaring her battle against cancer "one of the greatest acting performances this country has ever seen." In a bizarre turn, Peter Andre, star of the recent UK reality show I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, is back at Number 1 in Britain with his 1998 hit single "Mysterious Girl". He celebrated by paying his back rent and getting his mobile out of hock. The American video game industry is reported to be facing a 'crisis of creativity'. The PR spokesman behind the hit game Grand Theft Auto: Monkey Island begged to differ: "No way man, we've got heaps of great sequels and cross overs left to push out. Look out for Street Fighter versus The Lemmings in a Crazy Taxi this summer!"