Australian Treasurer Peter Costello has announced his new plans for superannuation and retirement: every Australian will have to work down t'pit til they die horribly. Unless you're a politician, or John Howard, then you'll work til you're stabbed in the back, then retire to Barbados. Look for John Howard's imminent assassination and Costello to smirk 110% of the time. The US has sent marines to stabilise Haiti following the a violent uprising and the fleeing of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide. "In the interest of democracy and freedom loving people everywhere, we're doing our best to crush this revolt and forcibly reinstall this dictator," said an American spokesperson. Spot, one of the first dogs, has been put down, after nearly 15 years with the family of US President George W Bush. When asked for comment on the state approved pet execution, Bush told reporters: "Fryyy Puppy Fry! Yee-haw! Fry Puppy! Yee-Haw!" while jumping up and down and shooting six shooters in the air. Also in the past month, the Australian/American Free Trade Agreement finally got approved, so look for fifty percent of all American TV content to be Aussie shows like Harry's Practice, Neighbours and Blue Heelers. In exchange, Australia will finally gain unfettered access to America's invaluable supply of Big Red Chewing Gum and Hershey's Chocolate. George W Bush is set to pass a constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage, which is odd since he's been in bed with the oil companies his whole life. So look for Queer Eye for the Prison Guard on TV soon. Downing Street has revealed that British PM Tony Blair once slept outside on a park bench for a night when he first came to London as a young man. "He was just in training for where he'll be going after the next election" revealed one insider. Richard Wilkins and wife Collette Dinnigan are expecting their first child. Despite not yet having witness the pregnancy, the birth or even seen the child itself, Wilkins wrote in his Telegraph column: "it's great, i loved every minute of it, go out and see it for yourself." Internet job ads are at a three year high, and that's just for penis extensions. Said one expert from Nicaragua: "Dear Sir, I am writing this to you because I am in great danger, my brother is the treasurer of the country and I have a large amount of money that I require your assistance in accessing." Finally, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King won eleven Oscars. Don't you think it's weird that a movie that ran for three and a half hours won the award for editing? The Whale Rider girl was the only New Zealander who walked away without an award, to which she said: "I'm not butter." Well put.