Firstly apologies for the extreme lateness of this issue - unless of course you're on Bigpond in which case it's about right on schedule. According to recent newspaper reports, the federal government's been under much criticism for spending almost half a billion dollars on external consulting last year alone. "It's alright" a public service spokesman assured reporters, "we've hired a consultant to look into the problem and we expect a report in about 30 to 60 thousand dollars." In the past month George W. Bush visited Australia and took some time out from sleeping to address our humble little Parliament with 'Self-Righteous War Speech Number 6', a tight little black and white, good versus evil number that I believe dates back to the days of Kaos versus Control from Get Smart. What I love about Australia is that the Greens senators who were ejected for democratically exercising their right to free yelling, snuck back in at the end. Also - insert your own joke about the Greens and the 'Joint Parliament Sitting' here. Speaking of the Bush administration, a private memo by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has leaked out saying that with the war on terrorism: "the harder we work, the BEHINDER we get." Well I'm no expert on Iraq or Afghanistan, but that's certainly true of their English skills. Due to ABC funding cut backs Four Corners from now on will be called Bendy Line. [Advertisement] Need Cash in a Hurry? By using VISA-ACCESS (TM), you can get instant access to cash whenever you want, including up to 207 questionable transactions during your final week in office, Mr Ruddock!!! So if you're worried about cash and know how to bank under the table, become Immigration Minister today. Sign #112 that the world is dead and we're all going to hell: 80's pop icon Cyndi Lauper, 50, has returned from retirement to place "her unmistakable stamp" on a new album of piano-drenched standards, including Walk on By and Unchained Melody. In a related story, somewhere in the world a dying cat has lost its voice. Finally, the New South Wales State Government is under fire for deciding to close all the shipping and freight terminals in Sydney Harbour by 2012. Bob Carr has denied the government will make a fortune selling off the Harbour foreshore land. "We'll make a fortune LEASING the Harbour foreshore," he told us.