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In The Past Month: Anti-terrorism squads have snapped into training here in Australia ahead of the tourist influx expected for the Rugby World Cup, doing mock exercises recreating possible chemical and bomb attacks. "We want to make sure the streets are hundred percent safe in time for all the visiting English and Irish to get really smashed and fight each other," said the safety co-ordinator. Smirkfull Treasurer Peter Costello has announced a record $7 billion federal surplus for the last year. When asked what the Commonwealth plans to do with the money, Costello said "With this kind of money, I can afford to send my kids to uni next year." Suggestive American restaurant chain Hooters have announced they're setting up their own airline. "We're going to set a whole new standard for the aviation industry," said a spokesman, citing an even lower standard for airline food and stewardess intelligence than many other airlines. One good point thought: In case of emergency, passengers are advised to grab onto the inflatable flotation assistance device, attached to the chest of the hostess nearest you. Speaking of airlines, the ACCC vetoed the Qantas and Air New Zealand merger because the new acronym, QANDANZTAS, is just plain silly. An American metal band, Hell on Earth, has been banned by a Florida Judge from staging the assisted suicide of a fan during one of their shows this weekend. "Any suicide on stage should be strictly limited to Ben and J-Lo's latest movie Gigli," said the judge. Jennifer Lopez's long awaited fashion line,J-Lo, has finally arrived in Australia, with a major promotional campaign from retailer Grace Brothers. "We can only hope her clothes don't wear out as quickly as her career has," said a spokesman. Channel Ten has received a "mixed response" to Panelist Kate Langbroek breastfeeding her newborn child live on air. "One person rang up to complain and another person rang up with a wrong number," said a Ten PR person. "This marks the single greatest response we've ever had for The Panel since it started over six years ago!" It's been dead musicians month this past week. The latest news behind Warren Zevon, Johnny Cash and Slim Dusty all kicking the bucket within days of each other is so they can form a Heavenly afterlife supergroup: The Grumpy Old White Man Singers. Leni Reifenstahl will direct the music video. In an effort to combat increasing spam and junk mail, Hotmail is going to introduce a new feature called TOTAL-FILTERING (TM). Total-Filtering (TM) prevents any e-mail from getting through whatsoever, saving you time and money*, according to a recent press release sent out to media via fax.
Bonus: Other News in Brief... 2SER Radiothon renders 2SER unlistenable. Sydney alternative community station 2SER was rendered unlistenable last week during it's annual "radiothon". A ten day event aimed at getting thousands of listeners to donate money to the independent station, show presenters were often interrupting songs half way through to urge everyone listening to call up and subscribe. Ironically, the radiothon had the opposite of it's intended effect, leading to many disillusioned listeners to change stations to new competitor FBI, which was playing their music largely interrupted. "This years radiothon was an unprecedented success" said head of operations Felix Jacobson, "with over 85 per cent of songs interrupted during the subscription drive." Next year, the station hopes to break the 90 per cent mark. Bar Full of Wankers, proclaims man. "This bar is full of wankers," exclaimed Marrickville resident Ray Wheeler, 24, upon entering Paddington's Fringe Bar for the very first time last week. Ray, making sure everyone could hear, especially his girlfriend Lauren, who dragged him to the bar for a mutual friend's birthday get together, was made sure to add: "Fuck this shit, let's go somewhere else." After much whingeing, the six person group eventually relocated to Judgement Bar at Taylor's Square, where Ray remarked upon entering: "Awesome, this is more like it!" Man Eats Curry. Newtown resident Bobby Effron ate his first sit down curry in three years last Wednesday, after eating 312 take away vegie Samosa's during the same period. "I couldn't remember the last time I sat down and ate a curry," remarked Bobby on his web site journal, bobbyeffronsblog.net, "so I thought - why not, I'm not in a rush." It also marked the first time Effron, 28, had eaten Indian food while sober in over nine months. I need to leave the inner west more. "I need to leave the inner west more," thought Dylan Behan after reading back the three previous fake new stories he'd written (see above). Behan, 23, a freelance writer and video editor, has only left the inner west once in the past three months: to do a day's video compiling in Hurstville. "It was weird. Everyone seemed to be driving cars everywhere," he observed, while sipping a latte and masturbating. |