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In The Past Month: A mass blackout hit North America, cutting electricity to 50 million people across the North east, including Toronto, New York and Cleveland. In response to the gigantic emergency, George W. Bush told reporters he hopes to "capture and bring to justice the evil Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein". Paralleling the Hutton enquiry currently taking place in England, Aussie Defense whisteblower Andrew Wilkie has told a local parliamentary enquiry that Prime Minister John Howard's office "sexed up" the reported threat posed by Iraq's weapons of mass destruction on the road to war. The chairman quickly ordered Wilkie never to repeat the words 'sexed up' and 'John Howard' in the same sentence ever again. Arnold Schwarzeneger has announced he's a "running man" for the next Governor of California. Let's face it: his ability to recite five word soundbites, take millions of dollars from rich Hollywood multinationals and routinely bash opponents in his films makes him the perfect political candidate. His only problem: he can't act. Controversial former senator Mal Colston has died, aged 65, after a long battle with cancer. During his life Colston managed to accumulated enough Frequent Flier miles to go to heaven first class. Bali bombing mastermind Amrosi has been sentenced to death for his role in the explosion which killed over 200 people, including 88 Australians. Oddly, Prime Minister John Howard noted that the sentencing could turn Amrosi into a Martyr... which seems perfectly in tune with his policy of wanting to lock up all Indonesians. In a related story, five refugee children, aged between five and 14, were released from the Baxter Detention Centre for asylum seekers, after the Full Family Court ruled it was "in their best interests" to be with their mother in Adelaide. Immigration Minister Philip Ruddock responded by saying "Well I still firmly believe it's the court's best interests to take on a big case of SHUT UP!" There's yet another Shane Warne Sex Scandal: "Shane Warne had sex with me," Aussie housewife claims. Simone Warne, of Melbourne, claims the improper sexual encounters have taken place over several years, often when Warne was in town with the touring Australian cricket team. Shane Warne refused to comment or even submit to a lie detector test. His Breathalyser test however came back overwhelmingly positive. Prince Harry, having not attained the marks to get into England's elite universities, will, like this father, supposedly travel to Australia to spend some time in the army next year. With rumours of drug flirtations having effected his uni entrance scores, an Australian army spokesperson said: "I want to assure you that Prince Harry's alleged binge drinking and drug use will be fully nurtured and encouraged during his time with the Australian military." Harry is also planning to go on an artistic "fact stealing" mission to Indigenous populations while out here. Finally, A recent report has stated that the bi-polar disorder costs Australia $1.6 billion a year. The report stated: "I am the mightiest god in the universe. You will all bow to me now and witness my amazing power," later followed by several blank pages and then the words "blue sky sad" repeated over and over. |