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The Governor General, Sir Peter Hollingworth, has resigned, saying the various controversies surrounding him have undermined the vice regal office. "That's the last time I ever fiddle with kids" he told the Banana Report's Libel Department just before stepping down. Also, is it just me, or was he increasingly beginning to resemble the Iraqi information minister? The North Korean government has been implicated in recent drug smuggling operations into Australia, with 50 kilograms of heroin hidden aboard the North Korean government freigher Pong So. Foreign Minister Alexander Downer tried to summon the North Korean ambassador to explain, but couldn't get ahold of him via the Embassy's Psy-Trance dance party bush doof 1900 number. Newsflash to Danni Minogue: give up already! Canada has reported it's first case of Mad Cow Disease. In response to the threat to North American agricultural trade, US President George W. Bush told reporters: "Comrades, the day of liberation has arrived. We invade tonight. May God have mercy on their souls." Simon Crean, in an effort to hold onto his Labor leadership, is getting fat just like Kim Beazley. And this just in: scientists have finally proven shouting at your computer makes it go faster. Magic Johnson, the former basketball star currently living with HIV, has signed a multi-million dollar advertisement endorsement deal with multinational drug company GlaxoSmithKline, to promote the anti-viral drug Combivir. "Man, it was the only way I was able to afford the medication" he said. American TV Host and Sweepstakes persona Ed McMahon has won a US$7.2 million pay out over some toxic mold left by contractoers on his property. Instead of simply saying the verdict, the judge handed Ed a latter saying 'You may already be a winner'. Two US television networks reportedly offered OJ Simpson $40,000 to be a commentator on the upcoming Robert Blake trial. Simpsons response to the offer: "Man, it's so low it makes me want to kill my wife again". Finally, Bryan Adams was shot with a Pellet Gun in central London while riding his motorcycle last month. The unknown assailant was sentenced to twenty years jail for NOT killing the singer.
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