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After a 12-year career in state politics, former NSW State Opposition leader Kerry Chikarovski has finally decided to retire. Her biggest regret: being a loser! Tragedy struck Canberra this month, when bushfires rampaged through the suburbs of our nations capital. Surveying the 400 possible photo opportunities, a teary Prime Minister John Howard said: "Like it or not, this is what Baghdad is set to look like in two months time." ACT Chief Minister Jon Stanhope told reporters, "this is the single saddest event to strike a city since the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man tragedy of '85". After an adviser whispered in his ear, an embarressed Stanhope then corrected himself: "Sorry, I meant '84." In a related story, Westpac Bank has offered victims of the bushfires three months mortgage relief - "giving you some much needed break in paying off your steaming pile of ashes". Field Day, held in Sydney's Domain on January 1, was marred by tragedy this year when three attendees collapsed and had to be hospitalised with a case of bad hair. An otherwise successful event, organisers hope to improve on it next year by adding what will undoubtedly be the most popular addition yet: a 60 foot mirror. In the news again, ACT Chief Minister Jon Stanhope helped save the life of a helicopter pilot, swimming and rescuing him from his stricken firefighting helicopter after it ditched in a dam. What makes this quite odd is that normally ACT Chief Ministers are responsible for KILLING innocent people on lakesides. In music news, Who guitarist Pete Townshend has been arrested and questioned on child porn charges. In a related story, the Who have just announced their first tour of Cambodia, which will then be followed by a brand new album The Who - Live at Leeds Correctional Facility. 29 year old pop singer Anastacia has revealed she breast cancer. So, get ready for her comeback single: "I'm outta kemo!" Hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons has announced plans for a hip-hop Woodstock outdoor music festival. They've already ordered a tonne of band aids - for Nelly alone! Billy Joel has been released from a Long Island Hospital following a car crash. When questioned by reporters, Joel said "Was you talking - cocraine - her rhararr hayhas Elton gimme call," before being sedated by his publicist. When asked for further information about the incident, we were faxed a copy of the River of Dreams press release dating from 1993. |