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In the past month:
A freighter has sunk off the coast of France with 3,000 cars on board. "What a tragic waste" said Australian Prime Minister John Howard, "we were hoping there were refugees on there." In a related story, Toyota has launched a new "no money down, but get your scuba gear on today" special. Mad tennis dad Damir Dokic has threatened suicide if that turns out to be true that her un Australian daughter Jelena is gay. "This is totally out of character for Damir" said a close family friend, "normally he just lies down in the middle of the road drunkenly cursing at the Police. I hope he'll be alright." In a related story, Ian Thorpe has once again stated "I'm not gay", this time while kissing a naked man. The last joke was kind of by Jake Stone. Blame him. The State Government has introduced 'voluntary' water restrictions to all residents in the Sydney metropolitan area, banning the use of all hoses between 8am and 8pm. In response, residential groups have issues the State Government with a voluntary "Go fuck yourself, I'm watering my lawn!" Seven potential building designs have been shortlisted to be built on ground zero of the World Trade Centre Attacks. Sample include: the exact same two buildings, but with "planes please don't crash into me" billboards attached, a millennium 'dome', and the world's largest 110 storey Pizza Hut. Russell Crowe is set to marry his longtime girlfriend Danielle Spencer. The joyous ceremony planned will include drunken brawling right before Crowe storms from the alter, attacks some bouncers and swears at some kids. Ron Howard wants to direct. Retro metal pop group Guns n' Roses have cancelled their current tour, probably due to the fact no females find Axl attractive any more. Current 'gunners' guitarist Buckethead met with reporters and issued the following brief press statement: "Wanna buy some chicken?" Under new Soccer World Cup rules, Australia will almost certainly be guaranteed qualification in the 2006 event within the 'Oceania' group. More importantly - it means Iran and Uruguay will have to do some work this time. That and we hope Tuvalu and Christmas Island suck. DJ/Producer Junkie XL, famous for remixing the #1 Elvis hit A Little Less Conversation has had his Holland studio robbed. His integrity however, is still missing from early 2001. Still don't know what to buy your loved ones for Christmas? Read The Banana Report's Christmas gift guide. Merry Christmas everyone. See you in the New Year. -Dylan |