In the past month: With 99 per cent of New South Wales drought affected, Premier Bob Carr has called for some tough water restrictions. Among the new laws already passed in time for summer Bottled water to be replaced by full-strength beer. Minimum of three people per shower. All public swimming pools to be filled with urine. Tank Girl to be brought to life. Opposition leader John Brogden is to be ground up and have his precious bodily liquids extracted to aid the farmers. According to the Guardian Newspaper, half of all London street crime can be linked to cocaine use - most of it by soccer player Mark Bosnich. Simon Crean is reported to be safe from leadership challengers - because he's not a leader. James Bond beat Harry Potter! Unfortunately this was in box office takings, and not in a violent duel to the death involving a cage and several large mallets, as was previously stated in The Banana Report. According to press reports, Bond girl Halle Berry's husband is being treated for sex addiction. The poor man! Entertainer Michael Jackson was named the greatest living pop icon at a Berlin awards ceremony. "It's amazing how I juggle all these things" he said, "especially my children off balconies". "I'm not gay," revealed swimmer Ian Thorpe, "I'm miserable!" Actor Scott Baio is going to get married, which will mark the first time the 41 year old former actor has been seen in public since his ill-fated left-wing propagandist Free Tibet telemovie Charles in China. Pee Wee Herman has been arrested (again) this time on child pornography charge, leaving many stunned fans to ask: "He's still alive?" Internet search engine Altavista has relaunched with a new logo and slogan: "Remember how good we were before Google?!?!" Sophie Ellis Bextor has posed in a controversial anti-fur ad campaign. The photo, which shows her holding a dead, skinned fox, has the caption "One is talentless vermon - the other used to be a Fur Coat." Phil Collins has announced he might have to abandon his current tour due to increased hearing problems. When questioned by reporters, the aging pop star said "Huh? What?"

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