A survey commissioned by the Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs reported that only 3 percent of immigrants thought that Australia was racist. The reason behind these amazingly low statistics? New Zealanders were excluded. A group of Canadian school children have been caught in rebel crossfire off the Ivory Coast. In response to the attacks, George W. Bush promised "to catch those Elephants responsisisbsble." Charlton Heston has announced he has Alzheimers disease. How could he tell? He kept losing his gun at the supermarket. Former US Vice President Al Gore has attacked George W. Bush's Iraq attack plans. He also attacked some guy who didn't give him a quarter. The sci-fi TV show Farscape has been cancelled. Two Trekkies were found to be being "slightly annoyed." Seventies rocker Warren "Werewolf" Zevon has announced he has terminal lung cancer. Perhaps he's beginning to sense the irony of his last album being titled "Life'll kill ya"... The current Miss Universe has been fired, supposedly for eating several small children and gaining five kilos. "What kind of an example is she setting gaining five kilos?" said a spokesperson. Actress Helena Bonham Carter is exultant about of one souvenir she accidentally brought back after filming the movie Til Human Voices Wake Us: an Australian accent. The syphilis on the other hand... A wildfire on the outskirts of Los Angeles has grown so large that it's already destroyed the houses of the three people who have integrity. A recent scientific study has reported that daily moderate alcohol drinking may help control blood sugar. "What about moderately drinking a case of whisky every day?" asked actor Nick Nolte before getting in his car for "an ol' fashion whoop de doo". Nolte, star of such films as (I can't remember the name of a single one) has been admitted into rehab, but unfortunately not for his acting. Finally, New Line cinema has purchased the rights to bring MacGyver to the big screen. Rumour has it the screenplay has also been cobbled together out of a length of human hair and a safety pin.