The Commonwealth Games have started in Manchester, England, with an odd security measure inforced: No Afghani children allowed!

In the past month, Australian Prime Minister John Howard has vowed to keep a mandatory detention policy for all asylum seekers, while his own children ignore the speed limit and roam free. So, I say we give all asylum seekers BMWs, cocaine habits and north shore addresses and there's NO WAY they'll get locked up. Probably cheaper too.

Twentieth Century Fox have announced they're going to start making Bollywood movies. "At Fox, we have a proven track record of making movies with no plot and one-dimensional characters. So, now all we need to do is add a dancing prince, and we're set" said a spokesman.

In a recent interview, former Labor MP Cheryl Kernot said she began her affair with Gareth Evans as she was looking for "intellectual companionship". Which makes sense, because they both have no brains.

A Melbourne brothel is going to list on the stock exchange. Insert your own joke here about the stock price "going down".

The producers of Sesame Street have bowed to pressure from the right wing and will not introduce an HIV positive character. Instead, get ready for the telemovie spectacular Elmo gets Ebola.

Star of Tomb Raider Angelina Jolie had announced she has split with her husband Billy Bob Thornton. In a related story, Angelina Jolie has fantastic breasts.

The Who's bassist John Entwistle died last month. The legendary rock band decided to continue with their reunion tour, "in rememberance of their love of money".

A ten year old girl has died in Britain after taking the designer drug ecstasy. How could the paramedics tell she was on ecstasy? She suddenly started reading 3D World every week and was constantly text messaging her friends with the words "I'm so haqy" at 3 o'Clock in the morning.

Osama Bin Laden is still alive according to his biographer, whose new book, How to fly planes into buildings and influence people is due out in September.