In the past month:
Labor Party backbencher Mark Latham publicly called Prime Minister John Howard an "arse-licker". Howard's response: "Now that's a half truth!"
Hansie Cronje crashed to the ground and died in a massive explosion -and that was just his cricketing career!
French President Jacque Chirac was re-elected. He plans to celebrate by blowing up a small, insignificant South Pacific island. Hopefully New Zealand.
25 years on from his death, Elvis Presley is back on top of the charts with a hit new song: "Feed me more fried sandwiches"
The World Cup is on. Go Australia!
US company Napster has filed for bankruptcy, proving that there isn't money to be made in giving away other peoples music for free after all.
Sydney Airport has been sold to Macquarie Bank-led consortium for a record $5.56 billion - the biggest trade sale in Australian history. In a related story, parking at Sydney airport is now $300 per hour.
The following quote was recently taken from the Guardian newspaper:
In a sign of true post-post modernism, Sarah Michelle Gellar could be set to star in a big screen movie adaptation of her hit TV series Buffy The Vampire Slayer. In response to our questions, Luke Perry, star of the original 1992 Buffy feature film, asked if we wanted fries with that.
Billy Joel has been hospitalised for "personal problems that recently developed." (read: cocaine)
After the tragic events of September 11 last year, the subtitle of this year's second Lord of the Rings movie has been changed from "The Two Towers" to "Osama Bad!"
Paul McCartney married short-term sweetheart Heather Mills, a formerly homeless topless model raver amputee 27 years his junior. George Harrison had no comment.
According to The Daily Telegraph, John Travolta is going to be the new public face of Qantas. The actor, who is also an accredited pilot with over 5000 logged hours, will also be captaining some flights under the deal.
A joke:
I'm going to watch the Simpsons. See you next month.
"President George Bush yesterday turned from his war on terror to the war on fat, using his own body as a model for America to get fit". Please god, let us never hear the words "George Bush", "body" and "model" in the same sentence again.
Q: How can you tell if John Travolta is flying for your airline?
A: Three out of every four of his flights crash, but the fourth one is a "comeback"