Four weeks in and I've already run out of "jokes".
The Queen Mum is still dead.
In a lame-arse attempted replay of September 11 - a small plane crashed into a skyscraper in Milan, Italy last Friday, killing four people. In response to the attacks, US President George W. Bush asked where Italy was.
What do you call a newly elected East Timorese President in a blender? Xanana Smoothie!
Acclaimed actor Robert Blake has been arrested in Los Angeles over the murder of his wife - and for starring in Money Train.
Aussie TV pop group Bardot have called it quits are going to split up. Bardot merchandise has since soared in price, with autographed T-shirts now selling on E-Bay for upwards of one dollar!
After five years on TV, the hit show Ally McBeal has been axed. Upon hearing the news Calista Flockheart was so distressed she almost ate something.
3D World's 600th issue party was alright.
In world news, US Secretary of State Colin Powell visited Isreal again, "primarily to catch up on some duty free shopping".
The arrival of City Rails new Millennium Trains is running to schedule, with the trains set to appear sometime in early 3000. "If we can get the derailment figures up, they'll fit in perfectly with the remaining cityrail fleet" said a spokesperson.
Meanwhile, in the live-fast, die-young world of carbonated beverage marketing, Coca-Cola is set to launch a new flavour in America: Vanilla Coke. Rejected proposals for other new flavours included Arsenic Coke (TM), Sugar Coke (TM), Magic Wizard Coke (TM) and Pepsi Coke (TM). Pundits say the new flavour will taste just like regular Coke, but with a hint of novelty value.
Speaking of movies, I caught the new Dan Aykroyd film Crossroads this week. Well, I have to say how disappointed I was with this lame teen road movie. It certainly isn't up there with his best work, such as My Girl 2 or Sgt Bilko, but does manage to better his 1998 shocker Blues Brothers 2000. One Star.
In other showbiz news, action star Dolph Lundgren decided to quit showbiz, stating he felt unable to top his performance after his career peaked with the sci-fi masterpiece Johnny Mnmeonic.
Jerry Seinfeld looked better with a mullet.
Finally, talk show host Oprah Winfrey has decided to end her monthly book club segment. Don't worry, she's already started work on a replacement: Oprah's Food Club.
See you next week.