Unemployment in Australia has hit a one year low - a thousand percent.
The violence in the Middle East between Israelis and Palestinians is spirally out of control, but thankfully one proposed peace solution looks likely to suceed: "Kill more people!"
The televised funeral of the Queen Mum outrated Big Brother in Australia. Meanwhile, Britain's Channel Four has purchased the rights to the Big Brother format for another four years, but sadly passed on buying the rights to the Queen Mother. No seriously, if there's one thing Big Brother and the Queen Mum have in common, it's that they both go better with a bottle of gin.
Shocking news last week as both NSW Police Commissioner Peter Ryan and our own Revolver editor Danny Murphy resigned within a day of each other. Now, for those of you who think that these events are completely unrelated, I ask you this: have you ever seen THESE two men in the same room together at the SAME time? Well, have you?!? ANSWER ME!
At his all-star press conference farewell, the departing Ryan said: "One of the things I'm most proud about is that I wiped out police corruption. Now gimme four hundred thousand squid or you gonna have me 'round for a nudder year, aye?!" Why he started speaking like Ali G mid-sentence remains a mystery.
The Federal Government tried to intervene last week after both Nine and Ten dropped the AFL from their weekend prime time lineups in regional areas. When it comes to banks and other regional services however, don't expect OUR guv'ment to do anything.
This week marks evil devil-spawn rival publication 3D World's 600th issue, and they've celebrated by still being crap. Happily embracing diversity, it covers every single aspect of the Sydney music scene ranging from hard house to tech house to acid house to progressive trance. Keep up the good work, guys!
Dear 3D World Staff. Please send all complaints about the last joke to:
A suicide bomber has blown up a bus in Israel killing ten people - all because his travel ten ran out.
In order to entice the young, the British cities of Liverpool and Sheffield are allowing voters to cast their votes via mobile phone SMS in upcoming council elections. While trialing the SMS voting system last election, a large number of informal votes were received, the four most common being: "Where R U", "im running late", "miss u" and "oh baby, in tha hot tub now thinkin' bout yo booty".
Former PM Gough Whitlam has become the inaugural donor to Australia's first brain bank, as most current political leaders have been found to be ineligible to donate.
First our Tom and Nicole break up... now it's rumoured Tom and Penelope are on the rocks. In a related story, Nicole's directorial debut film, due out in October, looks set to be called Vengeful God, take Tom now! Strike him down! It's meant to be about puppies.
Finally, seventies Canadian progressive rockers Rush have a new album due out next month, which has already been leaked on the internet. Titled Vapor Trails, early fan reviews range from "totally rockin' dude" to "man, totally rockin'".
See you next week.
Revolver writers are all in-bred bigots,
c/o the office of Mr John Brogden,
Parliament House,
Macquarie Street,
Sydney 2000.