The NSW Coalition has a new leader with dashing young MP John Brogden. Brogden, who won the leadership early last week has promised a front bench portfolio for former leader Kerry Chikarovski: Minister for Weak Leadership and Bad Hair.
We were all saddened by the passing of the Queen Mother on Easter Sunday. Beloved by all, she was the least controversial member of the royal family, having the least number of sex scandals in her life: 57.
Born in 1900, the Queen Mum grew up in a magic prehistoric age, before the internet revolutionised the way we view porn and mobile phones revolutionised the way we annoy other people on the bus. When asked the highlight of her life, Her Majesty replied "bugger orf!".
Her funeral is set to be broadcast locally by Channel 7 ("The One to Watch for Royal Funerals") and it will involve two coffins: one for her body, one for her big hat.
The Queen Mum's death even had ramifications here in Australia. "If the Pope and Bob Hope both cark it later this year" said one Albury local, "I win two grand in the trifecta!"
In other news, the middle east fighting continues. A brief 3 hour ceasefire was held in the town of Ramallah last week so people could buy food and bury the dead. Shell-shocked and bewildered, a number of confused residents misheard the directions, and accidentally ended up buying the dead and burying their food. Better luck next time!
An apology. Last weeks Banana Report had so many typos, it broke the Revolver printing press. Don't worry, this weeks column has been profredd!
The hit Channel Ten TV Show Big Brother has returned to TV with an all new household. "Following our success last year, fake bunny ears are now compulsory for all contestants" said executive producer Peter Abbott. "We're also doing some cross-promotion, one where we put a camera in Rove's shower." Big Brother is broadcast nightly at 7pm, Rove's Shower will follow at 7:30.
Finally, a second Nuclear Reactor is set to be built at Lucas Heights, costing $300 million. Aside from making life-saving medicine, the reactor will also manufacture affordable, locally made glowsticks. "Our federal government plan to infect all candy ravers with cancer has finally been set into operation. Ha ha ha!" said science minister Peter McGauran.