Afghanistan has been struck down by a massive earthquake killing thousands - it's second in five years. Combined with recent draught, wars, famine and oppression, Afghanistan looks set to reclaim Australia's motto as "The Lucky Country".

Australian swimming coach Scott Volkers has vowed to fight recent child sex allegations. Volkers, who coached champions such as Samantha Riley and Susie O'Neil told reporters: "I thought by 'breaststoke' they meant something else completely!"

After 10 years as of coming in second or third, 2Day FM's Morning Crew finally won it's first ratings battlet. To celebrate, Wendy Harmer told her first actual joke.

In a case of delayed reaction, after five nominations Denzel Washington finally won the best actor Oscar for Malcolm X, beating our Russell for 'A Beautiful Fabrication'.

Cinema chain Hoyts was ordered by the Federal Court to stop systematically removing compeditors coupons from its copies of Filmink Magazine. Federal Court orders to stop showing Rollerball were unfortunately not legally binding.

Celine Dion is set to become a regular fixture at a Las Vegas casino, having signed a three year, 600 show deal with Caesars. In a related story, Montreal just rose twelve places on the UN's list of most desirable cities in which to live.

Zimbabwe has been suspended from the commonwealth for the next 12 months, which has all but ruined their Gold Medal chances in the Farm Invasion events at this years Manchester Commonwealth Games

REM Guitarist Peter Buck has been declared a 'drunken lout' for his behaviour during a flight to London last tear. What did he get drunk on? Vodka and "Orange Crush".

Outback survivor Joanne Lees has categorically denied killing her missing boyfriend. When asked what she would do with $85,000 she received for the exclusive TV interview, Lees said she would "buy a new boyfriend and kill him!".