The worlds first designer baby has been given the go ahead in England. It is set to be designed by Polo Ralph Lauren, be made in a sweatshop in China and cost five times what a regular baby costs.

Peter Reith is in hot water over the 'kids thrown overboard' photographs released during the recent election campaign. When questioned about the refuted evidence, the 'retired' Reith told reporters, "Here's a free phonecard. Go call someone who cares."

Governor General Peter Hollingworth has denied any knowledge of 'religion' being carried out under his command while he was Archbishop of Queensland. "Maybe it happened, I really can't say" he said on the ABC's Australian Story.

The Oscar Nominations have been announced; with Russell Crowe proving himself as the new Tom Hanks by receiving three best actor nods in a row. Not bad for an overweight Oportos addict with no fashion sense and bad taste in music. But once again, if 'our' Russell loses, he's a damn Kiwi!

Re-enacting Richard Nixon's historic 1972 visit to China, but without knowing where it is, US President George W. Bush outlined his vision for Asia this week. "America good, evil bad" he said at a press conference.

This week marks the sixtieth anniversary of Darwin being bombed by the Japanese during World War II. To celebrate, Darwin is still a big hole.

Daniel Pearl, the Wall Street Journal reporter kidnapped in Pakistan, was killed last month, his paper reported citing US and Pakistani officials. What was the cause of his death? He met his DEADline. ha ha ha. ugh

American pop star Moby has signed a deal to have his own show on MTV. It is to be called Senor Moby's House of Music, and the title alone proves once and for all that Moby should also be shot dead.

The swapping of TV shows and films on the internet threatens to cost the entertainment industry billions of dollars. "It's true," said one unnamed IT student, "since I started downloading bulky, lo-res highly compressed realvideo files of bootlegged filmed-in-theatre Hollywood blockbusters, my spending on crappy, overpriced Harry Potter merchandise has dropped almost 12 percent".

A youth was shot dead in the foyer of a Sydney cinema complex over a mobile phone this month. The movie they were seeing? "Just Shoot Me: The Movie". Oh god.

Rupert Murdcoch's Newcorp has announced a half-yearly loss of over A$1 billion. Guess who didn't release a Star Wars movie last year?

In a blatant effort to try and increase her popularity, Princess Margaret died last month. "I wuz rememberin how poplar Princess Di was when she died, and I fought, yeh, I'll try me sum a dat", the Princess said in a press statement from beyond the grave.

Speaking of beyond the grave, dead singer Aaliayah has a new film coming out. In Queen of the Damned, she stars as a beautiful vampire brought back from the dead to seek her revenge. Unfortunately Aaliayah died before filming was completed - so the producers had Peter Russell Clarke step in to complete the filming of her role: "G'day. Where's the flesh?!"

In a case of life imitating art - Aaliyah is going to be brought back from the dead so she can meet her contractual obligations to promote the film. "Mortality is no excuse - we need some goddamn red carpet photo ops!" said the films PR office.