In a televised address earlier this month, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat called for an end to suicide bombings. In the address, Arafat also called for an end to those annoying movie trailers which give away too much of the film, as well as end to scooters and that bright orange colour used in street fashion so much these days.
In response to trains constantly running late, Sydney's CityRail has decided to create a new timetable. With a trip from Town Hall to Central (one stop) scheduled to take 1 hour 45 minutes, over 85% of trains are now running on time. In celebration of this, CityRail workers went on strike.
Since September, it has come to light that terrorist plane attacks were plotted against Australia. "I gave up", said the suspected hijacker, "because of Ansett I couldn't get a seat."
"Attention customers. Every Friday is our 'closing down' day at Traveland. We assure customers we will reopen again as normal on Monday, ready to collapse again by Friday. In the meantime, would anyone like to buy some gas lift chairs?"
Despite dying in 1997, Michael Hutchence's influence over the world of music continues to remain strong, with two INXS remixes recently hitting the charts and now other 80's rockers paying tribute by committing copycat hotel room suicides. "I just loved everything Michael Hutchence did" said ex Big Country-singer Stuart Adamson this week, "including this! Ugh! Arrrgh!"
In other music news, Nicole Kidman topped the British charts this month with duet with Robbie Williams. In a written statement, Tom Cruise said, "Please go see Vanilla Sky, it's good!"
In television news, Gillian Anderson has expressed hopes that The X-Files will end when she leaves the show next year. "I want the show to end while it is still strong" she said, writing this joke without any help from me.
German novelist W.G. Sebald has died in a tragic car accident, leaving a shocked literary world asking, "who?!?"
And finally, Melvin Burkhart, the human blockhead who could drive a five-inch nail into his head without flinching, has passed away aged 94. Police are suspecting murder after his body was discovered with a mysterious five-inch nail lodged in his head.