A newly commissioned safety report noted this week that dozens of people trapped at the top of the burning World Trade Centre in New York could have been airlifted to safety if doors to the roof had not been locked. The report also noted that the lives of some other people could have been saved if it weren't for two jumbo jets flying into the towers earlier in the morning.

The Australian Federal Police have controversially ended a sit-in by 'queue jumpers' at Parliament House in Canberra. The people forcibly removed claimed to be both Australian citizens and 'Members of Parliament'. After repeatedly refusing to leave the building, they have been transferred to Nauru where their claims of citizenship can be processed at our earliest possible convenience (AD2010).

Ansett Airlines has resumed flying, but now operates in a slightly downgraded manner. After checking in and boarding their flight, passengers are required to get out and push the plane to their ultimate destination.

350 asylum seekers en reute to Australia drowned in the Java Sea after their boat capsized last week. In response to the tragedy Prime Minister John Howard excitedly told reporters, "Now that's a Pacific sollution I'm in favour of!" and then went about delivering millions of dollars to Nauru via technologically advanced electronic briefcase courier methods in exchange for conservative votes.

Mr Howard, appearing on Liberal Party radio station 2UE, decided to lay blame for the refugee influx on the friendly attitude displayed by Australians overseas. "When us Aussies travel, we fool these foreigners into thinking Australia is a friendly, multicultural country, which it is not. Then they all want to come here, eh? So the lesson is, everyone be rude when you're travelling overseas. I insist you all become violent in hotels and marketplaces. It is the only way to stop the foreign invasion. STOP it I say!"

Australia Post has 'posted' (chortle chortle chortle) a $402 million operating profit for the last financial year. A spokesperson for the company suggested the increasing revenues came about from people mailing anthrax and anthrax-related hoaxes. "We just couldn't be happier about the increase in profits that has come about with mail based bio-terrorism. And with the recent collapse of Ansett, we have also noticed an increase in the number of people trying to mail themselves."

Police raided several Sydney nightclubs last weekend looking for drugs, making few arrests. "Unfortunately most of the white powder we found was anthrax" said one of the police in charge, "which has a very low street value for us."

A Sydney newspaper headline seen earlier this month during the Police Integrity Commission hearings:

With the Australian Federal Election looming, all Australians will have to face an important decision on November 10: Vodka or Gin? No seriously, Vodka OR Gin, because if either of the two political parties win we'll all have to start drinking copious amounts of alcohol... moreso.

Labor has gained back support following the recent televised debate between Kim Beazley and John Howard, with Labor now on 49% in a two-party preferred basis, and the Liberals on 51%. In the Preferred Prime Minister poll, Howard is well ahead on 65%, but Beazley wins the Most Cuddly Political Leader poll with a whopping 82%.

Meanwhile in the minor parties, Democrats leader Natasha Stott-Despoya has started dressing her age, while Greens leader Bob Brown has, despite the similarity, denied ever being William Burroughs, but has admitted to shooting up bug spray once in the late 1970's.

Canberra Labor leader Jon Stanhope is the new Chief Minister of the ACT after former Liberal Chief Minister Garry Humphries didn't even bother voting for himself in the October 20 election, declaring himself lame and pathetic, unable to win an election whose main issues were cars queueing at motor registries and some tress being cut down. That joke actually first appeared while doing a Stateline debate tech rehearsal at ABC Canberra last Friday, which unbeknownst to me at the time, was actually being watched by the leaders in the Green room. Chances of me ever getting a job at the ABC or in the ACT ever again: less than 2%. Chances of me telling that story at every dinner party I go to for the next decade: 100%, Greg.

The Higher School Certificate (HSC) started this week with 60,000 students across New South Wales and the ACT sitting the exams. The Banana Report has a message of love and support to deliver to any of our readers facing this particularly difficult time in their lives right now: SUCKED IN!

The Matrix 2 & 3 has started shooting in Sydney. The Federal Government reluctantly gave Keanu a working visa, on the condition his band Dog Star breakup. In a related story, nobody has called Keanu by his full name "Keanu Reeves" since 1993, which was also the last time he had anything resembling integrity.

Michael Jackson has a new album coming out this month, with many teenagers down at their local record stores excitedly asking "Michael who?".

American actress Sharon Stone has been hospitalised after suffering a brain aneurism. The attack was apparently brought on after she was forced to one of her own movies.

A headline in the Sydney Morning Herald earlier in the month,