I haven't watched the news in the last month, has anything happened?
No seriously, the Australian government's plan to fly the Tampa refugees back home by Ansett has been abandoned.
The refugees though, having finally arrived on Nauru have declared Australia to be "much hotter and smaller" than they envisioned.
John Howard's handling of the Tampa boat people crisis has been met with widespread public support amongst John Laws listeners - with a 75% approval rating. In a written statement to The Banana Report, John Laws said "I like banks. They're good!"
Turning to other bigger news, with 6000 people presumed dead in the Terrorist Attacks on America, including 60 Australians, it can be very hard to be tastefully humorous at a time like this. So I'm not going to bother.
World Trade Centre? More like World PLANE Centre? Hyuk hyuk hyuk!
In light of the recent Terrorist attacks, US President George W. Bush has vowed to "capture the people responsibibible."
Of course, our own Prime Minister John Howard was in Washington at the time of the attacks, just blocks from the Pentagon, forcing him and his entourage to be hastily evacuated from their hotel. With a tear in his eye, Howard told reporters, "I don't want to leave my hotel without teddy".
Truthfully, my favourite comment from the television coverage of the disaster was when, shortly after the second plane crashed into the World Trade Towers, Australia's own Sandra Sully summed up the events by saying, "this is not usual!"
One American television commentator commented that the World Trade Centre attack was reminiscent of a disaster movie - and then he half-jokingly asked where Superman was when you needed him. Of course we all know where Superman was, at the base of the towers, unable to get up the stairs in his wheelchair.
Predictably, the highest rating event on British television in the last month was, of course, the coverage of the terrorist attacks on New York. I think however that the 2nd highest rating event will be the televised coverage of the Big Brother household watching the televised coverage of the terrorist attacks on New York.
Of course the economic fallout from the attacks has been enormous - I paid $3.80 for a coffee on George Street last week! This upcoming recession had better be more fun than the last one.
The Australian Federal Election is also coming up, and it will be a choice betwixt John "let's pretend we have a surplus by selling everything in the country" Howard and Kim "I honestly don't have a clue about anything" Beazley. Or, for free-thinking lefties like me, there's always Bob "vote for me because I'm gay" Brown and Natasha "vote for me because I'm young" Stott-DeSpoya. Isn't Democracy wonderful?!?!
Speaking of democracy (or lack thereof), after years of unsuccesful attempts, China has finally been allowed access to the World Trade Organisation, as they now have both Starbucks AND McDonalds.
The Australian Federal Government has launched a controversial new $15 million website cataloguing the locations and opening hours of all of Australia's Public Toilets at www.toiletmap.gov.au. Toilet paper coming 2006.
After three years in retirement, Michael Jordon is set to make a comeback to the NBA, this time playing for the Washington Wizards. When asked if such a team actually exists, Jordon told reporters, "everything exists in my magical fairy land", before spending 90 minutes violently rubbing his nose. Jordon then stormed out of the room saying he was "off to play with the wizards".
Starting university this week, Prince William told the media he wanted nothing more than "to be treated like an ordinary student". In response, he has started an immediate course of sleeping in, getting drunk and doing nothing for the next four years.
Scientists have warned that having plenty of sex can trigger a heart attack in susceptible people. In a related story, my own life expectancy has been extended to 150.
In light of the terrorist attacks, several Hollywood movies have had to be recut or altered in order to be more suitable for audiences. Some examples include: