A Canadian company is selling 'Suicide Kits' through advertisements in American pro-euthanasia magazines. I'll tell you what, charging $30 for a plastic 'choke bag' isn't suicide, it's murder!
Personally, right now I am seeing the Federal Liberal Party choke to death on an old bag: Johnny Howard.
Centrelink has officially launched a controversial new policy: keep em' poor. Whenever anyone on welfare forgets to reply to a letter or turn up to an interview, Centrelink will fine them, take their money, torch their house, kill their pets, invade their dreams with monsters, liquid paper out all the nouns in their favourite book, put a hex on their family name for all eternity and then fund the release of another Crocodile Dundee movie, which will be called "Crocodile Dundee Fights the Ninajs", which all welfare recipients will be forced to watch under the requirements of their 'mutual obligation'. In response, a welfare activist spokesperson said "Oh no! Not another Croc Dundee fill-m!"
Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro turned 75 this month. He celebrated by continuing widespread poverty amongst his fellow countrymen, increasing international pariahism, and a dish made of sweetened baked plantains. Yummy!
Also last month, Christopher Skase died in Majorca. Geeze, guess he must have been sick after all. Who'd have thought it!
Aussie television personality Graham Kennedy has become brain damaged, moreso.
Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have stepped out as a couple for the first time. Let's just hope they don't have children with a shared surname, or their son might be name Billy Cruise-Cruz.
After dieing in a tragic airplane accident in the Bahamas this month, R&B singer Aaliyah announced this week that she is not going to "dust herself off and try again" as has been previously stated. After starring in the hit movie "Romeo Must Die", Hollywood has quickly rushed out her biopic in the form of a sequel, "Aaliyah must die... in a plane crash!"
Speaking of movies, George Lucas has revealed the next Star Wars film is going to be subtitled Attack of the Clones. When queried as to why he chose such a silly name, Mr Lucas threw a half-bottle of bourbon at my head, shouted some unintelligible words and repeatedly soiled himself.
Mariah Carey is under psychiatric care following last week's hospitalisation, which her publicist now says was the result of an "emotional and physical breakdown.'' This breakdown was supposedly caused by Mariah "not having a boyfriend for over a week" and simultaneously losing her handbag. Her publicist said with the right medication and treatment, Mariah could be back annoying the public with her highly irritating teeny-bopper pop songs within a matter of weeks.
After recently selling his shares in Fairfax and having lost considerable money in One.Tel and other projects, Kerry Packer has decided to sell his 25% share in the ABC. Huh?!?!?
The worlds population is set to peak at 9 Billion people in 2070. With many of the worlds resources already stretched to the limits, scientists have come up with a simple to solution to feeding the coming generations: eat your babies!
South African newspaper The Star has broken a controversial story regarding corruption in a Johannesberg morgue entitled "Cash For Corpses" . Co-incidentally, "Cash For Corpses" is also the ABC's current policy regarding Australian programming.
English Playwright Harold Pinter has taken a public stance calling for the freeing of Serbian war criminal Slobodan Milosovic. In exchange, Milosovic has taken a vehement public stance calling for Pinter to stop writing "crap silly nonsense plays".
Philosophical Quote of the Week:
Note: If the election is being held in November, this could be the 2nd last issue in which I can poke fun at Johnny Howard, so here is a photo of him with Japanese PM Koizumi's haircut. Hyuk hyuk.
"The value of a secure, loving relationship, through your family or a relationship, marriage or love affair or whatever is still what people want most" - John Howard said to a youth forum held at Triple J. Note the way he didn't mention a 10% form of indirect taxation in there, so we mustn't need it, eh?!?!
Thanks for reading and heres to another 3 years of crap, free jokes to come!. Huzzah!
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