A man was shot dead at anti-globalisation protests in Genoa, Italy last month. After approaching a police car brandishing a fire extinguisher he was shot twice in the face at point blank range. In response to the actions, the Italian police said, "Our actions are justified. He could have got us all wet and stuff. Besides, how do we know the fire extinguisher wasn't really a Grade-A Thermonuclear Device? We've fallen for that one too many times before you realise".

A compromise has been formed at talks in Bonn to help save the Kyoto protocol on global warming. "Basically we let America and Australia burn everything down while everyone else drowns" said a representative. In response to this plan, US President George W. Bush said "Burning everything down is a fundamumental part of the American way of life. Just look at Waco!"

Scientists have finally discovered that it was an arrow that killed the 5,300 Ice-Man found buried in ice ten years ago. "Well, we found a big arrow in 'im and immediately I suggested the cause of death was leprosy, which proved incorrect" said a scientist working on the team. "Our second theorem was that he died of attention deficit disorder... which also proved wrong. A decade later we figured it was that arrow. We gooda!"

Controversial rapper Eminem has finally arrived in Australia after various visa problems and general community outrage. Outspoken NSW state Senator, the Reverend Fred Nile, has declared that the upcoming concert tour should receive an 'R' rating, and people aged under 18 should not be admitted. "If young kids want to hear unintelligent homophobic preaching, they're more than welcome to come along to one of my sermons".

With government funded Triple J sponsoring the tour, in theory the average Australia tax payer is subsidising the visit of the rapper. When asked to justify why money from government and taxpayers should support the visit, Prime Minister John Howard said, "Well, we have a lot in common, Eminem and me. You see, he's the real Slim Shady, and with my chances in the upcoming election, I'm the real Slim Johnny".

WIN WIN WIN! If you can find a way to make the previous joke FUNNY, you could win a trip back to MY HOME PLANET. Send your entires to: The Nelson Mandela has Gooley Cancer Charity Awards Celebratory Foundation Dinner for Idiots, c/o Pretoria, Republic of South Africa.

In court earlier this month, former Aussie television personality Daryl Somers admitted to being a 'bloody idiot' for drink driving. He later declined to comment on the fact he was a no-talent wanker. He kept his license, but the court barred him from ever going back on TV "within the next thousand years".

DID YOU KNOW?!?!?
That Aimee Mann is actually, a woman.

The break up of celebrity couple Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt has prompted widespread comment in the community of late. Well known celebrity commentator, that crazy woman on my bus, said exclusively to THE BANANA REPORT: "I honestly thought it was honestly going to last, especially after she thanked him at the Oscars. I mean, my husband thanked me when he won his Oscar, and we've been together with our family of magic green monkeys for over twelve thousand years now". When asked to her show ticket, the women declined to comment.

Actor Jack Lemmon died last month, so get ready for a new double sequel feature coming soon: Weekend at Bernies/The Odd Couple 3!

Popular energy drink Red Bull has been linked to the deaths of four people in Europe. The popular drink sold 900 million cans last year, with it being discovered each dead person was responsible for the consumption of 225 million cans each. "That's very difficult to believe. Really? 225 million cans each? Hmph! No wonder they died. Really. I say I say." said Mr Hayes.

"Hi, my name is Pat Rafter, and I'm going to choke at Wimbledon again today. Don't worry it's only the FINAL"

In regicide-riffic Nepal, Maoist rebels have gone on killing rampages in an attempt to overthrow the local government. They have also launched their own sitcom on national television, Everybody Loves Maoists!

Sorry for the lateness, I'll see you next month when we celebrate our THIRD ANNIVERSARY! (oh god).