It has been revealed this month that the bones of dead babies were used in Nuclear Tests in Australia during the 1960s. "This is appalling" said one medical ethics spokesperson, "the dead babies should have at least been asked permission first!"

ATSIC Chairman Geoff Clark has publically lashed out at what he calls an "unfair trial by media" taking place in this country over his current rape allegations. He then went on to outline proposals for a much fairer "trial by jelly wrestling" or "trial by game of Battleship" which he said he would prefer if given the opportunity.

Indonesian President Abdurrahman Wahid is currently visiting Australia, the first Indonesian head of state to do so in 27 years. "This visit should hopefully heal international relations between Indonesia and Australia" said a spokesperson for the Indonesian delegation, "because you Aussies sure do suck!". The meeting between Australian Prime Minister John Howard and Mr Wahid has been dubbed "the meeting of the baldies" by the Australian media, while the Indonesian media has repeatedly emphasised that "Mr Wahid is obviously not bald because he constantly wears a Fez".

WIN WIN WIN! If you can spot an actual joke in the previous paragraph you could win a NEW CAR*. Just write down the joke, why it is "funny" and the names and addresses of every person you have ever met on the back of a 2cm x 2cm sheet of pure ivory and mail it to: WIN WIN WIN! The 'I have too much spare time' Competition. C/O Jack 'Teen Angst Massacre Boy' Sychampanakhone, Cecil Hills High Schools, NSW. Entries close December 31st, 1899.

* Note: The prize in question is not a new car.

Thankfully the proposed Cecil Hills High School massacre was averted at the very last minute by a quick-thinking John Aquilina who publicly read out the teenagers diary to state parliament. "Just doing my job saving the day by publicly embarrassing people" said the state education minister at a press conference, "now if you'll excuse me, at this exact moment there's a 16 year old girl in Newcastle listening to the Smashing Pumpkins and fantasising about burning her school down. This sounds like a job for everybody's favourite democratically elected Superhero, PUBLICLY EMBARRASSING PEOPLE-MAN!" Mr Aquilina then proceeded to tear off his clothes and jump out the ground floor window of parliament house, spending the remainder of the afternoon wandering naked around the Domain, muttering to himself about 'the guv'ment' and harassing tourists.

The Republic of South Africa recently celebrated it's annual Youth Day for 2001 with widespread governmental corruption. "Any excuse is a good excuse for widespread governmental corruption" said President Thabo Mbeki, before he went off to spy on his opponents and play marbles.

Blues legend John Lee Hooker died last week aged 83 (he has actually appeared to be aged 83 since he was 20). This means that the only surviving cast member of The Blues Brothers is the one everyone agrees should have been killed off years ago: Dan Aykroyd. True, James Brown is still performing, but it's doubtful as to whether he is actually "living" or not (see Robo-Barry White joke from December 2000). The same goes for Aretha Franklin, who it turns out actually drowned late last year in her own chins.

A federally funded Government Study has established that dobbers don't actually wear nappies, as has been previously reported in the Australian media.

Former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser has said that Australia risks becoming irrelevant to the rest of the world unless it begins dramatically increasing its population. "I'd like to see Australia's population double to 40 million people within the next 20 years" Mr Fraser told Channel 7, "and I'll help make it happen!" he said before dropping his trousers... again. (Interestingly enough, any professional writers or editors out there will probably notice that this last joke was placed here for the simple reasons of pacing and padding, and wasn't actually funny.)

During the next month, the winner of the 2008 Olympic Games will be announced. A IOC spokesperson summed up the competition by saying "Well, it's a toss up between Beijing and Beijing. Personally, my money is on Beijing!". Everyone appears to be in favour of Beijing, even Sydney, which recently erected signs calling itself the "Home of the Original Beijing Olympics". When questioned about local enthusiasm for the bid, a Chinese spokesperson said "they will be enthusiastic or they will move to Siberia". When one member of the press noted that Siberia was actually still part of Russia and not China, he was sent to Siberia and never heard from again.

Tiger Woods' continued domination in the sport of golf has led to him being dubbed the "Karrie Webb of Men's golf" by the media, who all of a sudden reversed their life-long sexual bias for the simple sake of this stupid joke. Good on you, media!

Finally, Chelsea Clinton graduated from Stanford University this month, her parents proud she got "the best university education presidential pardons could buy!"

See you next month.