Australian Federal Treasure Peter Costello launched the last Federal Budget of his career with a landmark new policy, "more money for Peter Costello's retirement!". In the budget, the Federal Government announced giving a one off payment of $300 to all aged pensioners. Treasurer Costello said of the announcement: "Under 'operation buy back votes', all aged pensioners will be $300 better off. That money will stimulate the economy by coming straight back to us through indirect taxes and pokie machines. Huzzah!"
Australian Opposition leader Kim Beazley finally launched some Labor policies during his national televised Budget right of reply. Amongst his policies for the next Federal Election: "Liberals are bad" and "The National party smells".
February 17th next year marks the introduction of the Euro as the only legal tender inside the European Union. To minimise complications, French President Jacques Chirac has proposed a 'phasing in' period, during which time the only legal tender will be monopoly money.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has confessed to being a self declared Simpsons-addict. Blair was rather upbeat and jovial about his television viewing problems, declaring that "this habit turns out a lot cheaper and easier to sustain than my previous addiction to smack".
A new study has revealed that jet lag can in fact damage the brain and impair mental functions. Hmmm. US President George W. Bush has done so little international travelling and diplomacy that perhaps he could be the most intelligent man in the world. Then again, maybe not.
Speaking of Dubbya, Mr Bush finally launched his controversial energy policy this month. Amongst the recommendations: using death row inmates for biomass, drilling for oil in Arctic whales and finally, using environmentalists for biomass. "Our biomass solutions are amongst the most progressive in the world" declared Mr Bush, "and the best thing is, we'll get rid of those darn backwards thinkin' environmononmentalists". Mr Bush then leaned back in his chair and proceeded counting a pile of money given to him by the oil companies while smoking a cigar made from raw CFCs, dead whales and crude oil.
Australian millionaire entrepeneur stockbroker Rene Rivkin is suing for libel Channel Seven following defamations made against him on the defunct show "Witness". In an exclusive interview with the Banana Report, Rivkin said "I'm a big, stupid idiot with too much money and no taste and I suck".
The 120 foot scroll of typewriter paper onto which Jack Kerouac wrote On the Road has been sold at auction for US$2.2 million, which coincidentally is also the cost of an average paperback in Australia since the introduction of the GST.
The television "phenomenon" Big Brother has hit Australia, and in typical Aussie fashion, a full 17 years behind schedule.
South Sydney Mayor John Fowler has lashed out at charities giving out free food to homeless people in his council area. "How do we expect to get rid of them problem of homelessness if we keep providing life-sustaining foods to these people. No one will die if they are given free bread and soup, this is only encouraging homeless people to keep living, which is wrong!" Mr Fowler, who has a pale complexion and regularly feasts on the flesh of the living was then attacked and killed by a large mob of human beings wielding stakes and chanting the words "Kill the beast! Kill the beast!".
Intelligent rock band R.E.M. have a new album out, and in celebration, the Banana Report is presenting a very special feature timeline documenting the hair styles of lead singer Michael Stipe.
Michael Jackson has a new album coming out in September. Licence to be a freak will include the new songs "It's hip to wear a surgical mask" and "Oh dear! My nose just fell off... again!".
The much anticipated Baz Luhrman movie Moulin Rouge has finally opened, to largely mixed reviews. It has however, already picked up one major festival award, the 2001 Canne Palm Du Le'ser Temps Musiqu'e (roughly translated: "The Canne Award for Best Anachronistic Musical").
Also opening at the cinemas this month is the American romantic wartime epic Pearl Harbor. You can tell from the spelling that it's very much pro-American, but Hollywood has faced a tough problem with this film: how to utilise product placement in a film set in 1942. The answer: Ben Affleck takes Kate Beckinsdale out to dinner at 'Ye Olde Burger King'.
Due to a typo in last months issue of the Banana Report I regret to announce that George W. Bush doesn't have 'aids' but actually has 'aides'. We apologise for any confusion caused, and wish Mr Bush a speedy recovery.
Also in the budget was the announcement that Centrelink will recieve 900 additional staff. This brings the total number of staff at Centrelinks around Australia to over 900.
Check out this months editorial from unemployed bum Jonny Mills: My tea tastes like hot water