In this past month:
Quebec City became the scene of violent protests this week as the Summit of the Americas hit town. There was much confusion during the conference, and many discussions had to be halted while aids explained key concepts to George W. Bush. Some of these confusing terms and items included the words 'Canada', 'Foreign', 'Trade', 'Policy' and 'Mexico'. "I think I understand the issues now", Mr Bush later told reporters, "there are unconfirmed rumours that there appears to be some sort country outside of the U.S.A. Now at this time I can neither confirm nor deny this, but I will get my aides to examine these issues in greater detail at a much later date. Now, if you'll excuse me I've got some people to execute".
Ansett chief executive officer Gary Toomey has denied reports that there are safety risks associated with his airlines planes. "They're just fine," he told reporters, "now if you'll excuse me, I have a Qantas flight to catch".
Italy is gearing for a general election next month, it's 3000th so far this century.
The Anglican Archbishop of Brisbane has been announced as Australia's next Governor General. However, the Rev. Peter Hollingworth, was not Johnny Howard's first choice to be the Queen's representative in Australia. The Queen was.
Australian bushwalker Ben Maloney stumbled out of the Tasmanian wilderness and back into society after being lost in the bush for five weeks. "I tried everything", claimed Mr Maloney, "but no matter how many times I voted for myself at tribal council, I still couldn't get off the damn island!"
A US Judge has ruled that the execution of Oklahoma bomberTimothy McVeigh can not be broadcast on the internet, but the judge went on to declare the proliferation of child pornography on the internet is "okay by me!"
The British Government has finally claimed to have Foot and Mouth disease under control. In a recent press conference a British government spokesperson went on record as saying "Huzzah! We have finally killed ALL the animals. Our targeted objective of zero animals alive in Britain by 2002 has been met ahead of time. Huzzah!"
Electronics manufacturer Ericcson is going to axe 10,000 jobs in America. "We just can't afford to employ people to spy on everyone's SMS messages anymore" said a spokesperson, "so we're outsourcing the work to Taiwan."
A chronic land shortage has lead the media to label the current generation of Sydney-siders as "Generation Rent". However, with the price of Sydney rents, I predict they will more likely become known as "Generation Poor".
The US Air Force has had a test flight of the Southern Cross II, a pilotless single engine spy plane flown by computer from California to Australia. A senior spokesperson for the Australian Air Force was heard saying "Gadzooks! The time of magic ro-bot flying machines are upon us, the end of human civilsation is neigh! Jeeves! Quick, stock the basement with tea and eastern spices. I'll fetch the missionaries and begin praying for our souls. At once, you slacking servant, or no biscuit!"
Tiger Woods set a new record this month: eating a thousand low-price tacos! Well done, Tiger!
In other news, I accidentally dislocated my little toe on Monday night. After much letter writing and correspondence, Centrelink has informed me that no, this does not entitle me to a transport concession card. In a vain effort, I have decided I may need to dislocate a different toe in order to offset rising transport costs.
The classic British sitcom Yes Minister is going to be remade in Hindi for the Indian population. Amongst the major changes to occur when moving the show to the Indian subcontinent: more tacky 70's interior decorations!
Phish Fans have decided to create their own game show. Beginning on cable TV May 1st, "Who's got my nuggets?" is set to place competing individuals against each other in a bitter game of obscure setlist trivia, with the losers forced to leave the tour and take a shower.
Speaking of television, the Australian TV Week Logie Awards have been held this past week. Amongst the winners were: who cares!?!?!
And now a game. See if you can mix the famous last words to the person who said them:
a) A Chinese Pilot
The Answers are as follows: 1-a. 2-b. That is all. See you next month.
Feel free to check out this months editorial, Who'd have thought long term unemployment could be so much fun? by Jonny Mills.
Back to the index
I'm really not trying very hard these days, am I?
1) "Hey is that an American plane coming towards..."
2) "Preventitive cull? Okay, I'll try anything once!"
b) Dorothy the talking British Cow