Allegations have rocked Australia's medical community over the unauthorised stealing of body parts from dead people at morgues and hospitals around Australia. A spokesperson for the Glebe Morgue Cash and Carry denied all such rumours, but did recommended this weeks special on dismembered hands.

In celebration of the end of the Mir Space Station, Boris Yeltsin has commissioned a new cocktail, which is to be ironically called a "Flaming Demise". It is a simple recipe: add four parts Vodka to one part Vodka and then shake it by doing a funny dance.

Speaking of irony, isn't it weird the way a space station crashing to earth caused less damage and killed less people than a Russian submarine on routine manoeuvres? Ooops, if I keep this up I could be entitled to a free compulsory sedative injection from the Russian government.

(That's a special joke for people who actually read the newspaper.)

Talking about Russia, America has expelled Russian 50 diplomats from the U.S., and in retaliation Russia has ordered 50 American diplomats to leave. Thanks to George W. Bush American foreign policy is quickly starting to resemble a dumbed down version of the board game Risk. In response Mr Bush told reporters: "Ain't that like them Hungry hungry hippos? I likes that there boardey game. Hyuk hyuk."

Following the recent bombing death of six international observers in Kuwait by US forces, and the submarine-ramming death of Japanese school children in Hawaii, the US Army has decided to change its slogan from "Army of One" to "Let's Kill Innocent Civilians". The family of the New Zealand serviceman who was killed in the Kuwaiti bombing have told the press "It just makes as suck".

Don Bradman is still dead.

Following the European outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease, McDonalds has been forced to launch a brand new hamburger. The McHippie is made from the ground up bones and meat of dead hippies. In a statement McDonalds informed its customers not to worry about mad cow disease or the foot and mouth outbreak, but rather "just be on the lookout for the occasional stray dreadlock".

In a related story I am 21 years old now. Yay, let's go rent a car for a slightly lower rate to celebrate!

Australian Prime Minister John Howard has launched a new $24 million anti-drugs campaign by mailing out a leaflet to 6 million Australian households. The leaflet, which originally preached the virtues of zero tolerance has now been revised to simply repeat the following words over and over again: "Please vote Liberal. Please vote Liberal".

The Academy Awards are being held on Monday night Australian time. If he loses, Russell Crowe will henceforth be referred to by the Australian media as a New Zealander.

In the multimedia section this week we have an outtake from the movie "Cast Away". The upcoming DVD also features an audio commentary by the damn volleyball, a very sparse music only track and a "featurette", which is the entire movie edited down to 30 minutes of random, out of order clips.