Banana Report #31: March 2001.

"With more readers than there are Liberal voters in Queensland"

With a federal election looming, the Prime Minister John Howard has assured voters that if re-elected, Tom Cruise will remain "Australia's favourite Son in Law". A Labour spokesperson blamed the Tom and Nicole split on spiralling petrol prices and the overall failure of the GST. According to local tabloids, Tom Cruise has separated from Nicole to set up the first church of Sterile Gay Scientologists.

US President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have met for the first time during meetings at Camp David. "We actually have a lot in common", said Mr Blair, "you see, I have a drunkard son, while he is a drunkard son". Mr Bush then asked his advisers where this Europe place is everyone keeps talking about.

Australia has closed loopholes for New Zealanders planning to emigrate to Australia, no longer granting them instant permanent residency. "It makes me suck" said Mr John Stanley from West Auckland. Yes John, it sure does.

Huey Lewis regained the Number One spot on the Australian music charts for the first time in 14 years last month, thanks to his duet with Gwynneth Paltrow, Cruisin'. In a related story, hell has frozen over. The odds of either event happening were placed at approximately one billion trillion to one by CentreBet and in a related story, an unidentified couple from North Ryde, NSW are Australia's newest billion-trillionaires.

In preparation for an expected economic slowdown, Qantas is laying off over of its thousand staff. Of course, only by the logic of economics will increasing unemployment help prevent a recession. Besides, what do you expect from a field of study whose main theory involves a magical and mysterious "invisible hand" somehow controlling everything.

BAS? More like BASTARD if you ask me.

According to the federal government, personal debt in Australia is spiralling out of control, so they've decided to hold a special conference of industry representatives to look at the issues. How are they paying for this conference? That's right, by credit card!

A report by the Sydney Morning Herald has claimed over 3 million American school children, or one in every class room, is currently on the drug Ridalin. Ultimately, the decision to treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder should be left up the parents, but personally, if I had an American child with ADHD, I believe I should be the one entitled to the mind-numbing drugs.

Meanwhile onboard an American submarine in the Pacific: "Nothing to worry about civilian guests, we just hit a speed bump, that's all. Keep driving."

The Academy Award nominations have been announced. This year losers are voted off by Tribal council until just Tom Hanks remains. Surprisingly Hanks' latest movie Cast Away didn't get a Best Picture Nomination, possibly because excessive product placement had Hanks sitting around his uninhabited island drinking Pepsi, eating Taco Bell and watching Foxtel. My only tip for this year is that the telecast will break the 100 hour mark.

Australia's biggest short film competition Tropfest this year was once again won by a one joke film with a twist in the end. I don't know that for sure yet, I haven't actually seen any of the films in competition, which doesn't even begin for another 7 hours, but I can be pretty sure.