Thirty million Hindus, the largest gathering of humanity ever, have
gathered together to bathe in the Ganges river during the Kumbh Mela holy
festival, held every 12 years. "Everythings going fine", said one local
observer, "but we're having a bit of a problem getting everyone to swim
between the flags".
German supermarket chain Aldi has opened its first two Australian stores to
widespread controversy over alleged price gouging. They keep their prices
low by only selling a limited range of products: sawdust and chocolate Hob
Nobs. An Aldi spokesperson said, "since we opened last week, our sales of
sawdust and chocolate Hob Nobs have reached all-time highs!". They hope to
have another 100,000 stores open in Australia by the end of next month.
Opposition Leader Kim Beazley has proposed setting up a half-price online
university if he wins the next election. "That's all well and good", said
an undergraduate student, "but are they going to have a half-price online
uni bar? No university can exist without one!". Mr Beazley had no comment,
he was eating.
On other political news, Queensland Premier Peter Beattie has called a
surprise election for his home state. He has asked that everyone ensure
they enrol their pets and furniture to vote, so as to ensure Labor's
continuing support there.
Armed Forces General Peter Cosgrove has been named Australian of the Year.
In a vain attempt to be re-elected Australian of the Year, Johnny Farnham
has announced that he too is going to invade Indonesia. I wish I was joking.
And now the first draft of George W. Bush's inauguration speech:
That's right! From the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter comes I
Can't Believe He's the President. Yes, be amazed as a man who can barely
tie his own shoelaces becomes the leader of the free world. Be astounded as
man who can't even find one country on a world map becomes responsible for
the foreign policy of the richest country on earth (in terms of money).
Laugh as he attempts to dance with his wife like it's the year 1899. Yes,
it's George W. Bush, a man who according to Darwin, should not be allowed
to breed. He looks and acts just like a regular president, but he's not.
Officially subtitled "Not as good as the Oscars", the Golden Globe Awards
were held in Los Angeles last week. Insert your own Elizabeth Taylor joke
here.
A new television advertisement for Telstra touts the various options
available to their phone customers by showing kids able to choose from a
plethora of different types of ice cream. Of course, if Telstra were an Ice
Cream truck, the song Green Sleeves would be constantly interrupted over
the giant speaker by a recording saying "Your order has been placed in a
queue and will be served by the next available Ice Cream Service Assistant.
Your Ice Cream is important to us". Not to mention the new pricing plan,
under which monthly "cup and spoon" rental would have just doubled.
I don't usually cover sports stories, but Australia's undefeated summer of
Cricket has lead to many fans becoming bored with the games' constant one
sided-ness. But then again, how hard is it for cricket to become boring?
Not very.
Happy Australia Day
"I'd like to thank the following people, without whom I would not be today:
Ralph Nader, Katherine Harris, the bad designer who ensured a whole bunch
of Gore's votes went to that idiot Buchanon and finally, my brother Jeb, as
without his firm control over the Florida courts, I never would have won
the election by 0.00001 percent, thus giving me a clear mandate to rule the
country, and introduce much needed defence legislation that will aggravate
some little country called China. I'd also like to thank Big Bird and Bert
and Kermit and Ernie..." The speech kind of trails off there.
See you next month,
Dylan