Special 2nd Anniversary/Olympics Issue
By Dylan Behan

Russian President Vladmir Putin has remained reasonably silent throughout the Kursk submarine tragedy. During the saddening ordeal his predecessor, Boris Yeltsin drank vodka and did a funny dance.

Due to increasingly violent behavior, the German Government is seeking to outlaw the Nazi Party and its activities. This will mark the first time a political party has been banned in Germany since the Nazis banned all other political parties in the 1930s. Now that's Karma for you!

The most non-talked about event of recent months, the Sydney Olympic Games will begin later this month. The opening ceremony will feature singer John Farnham, while the Closing Ceremony will feature cross dressing drag queens. There has been widespread outrage at the inclusion of Johnny Farnham in the lineup.

Also occurring in the next month is the S-11 Protest in Melbourne against the World Economic Forum. It's the perfect excuse for feral middle class youth to shout a lot and smash things up in the name global justice. "Bring Seattle to Melbourne" proclaims the organisers, despite the fact they both already share the same dreary weather.

The U.S. Presidential Race is hotting up, but continues to remain lifeless and boring for the general public. In an attempt to appear hip and current, Democratic candidateAl Gore has issued a press release that said "Yo Yo Yo, me a jiggy gangsta homes! Word to y'all, fools!". George W. Bush responded by killing more death row inmates and then doing an evil, maniacal laugh.

Australia's greatest ever legend, Phar Lap the Dead Horse, was moved to new premises in Melbourne this week. "We tried dangling a carrot in front of 'im, but we couldn't get 'im to walk there himself" said one member of the crew responsible for the move, who was an idiot.

The Fat Gay Naked Richard won Survivor. Thanks to strong arm tactics placed on CBS News outlets and their affiliates, cross-promotional advertising now counts as news. The continued bombing of Iraq does not. The Tribal council has spoken "This show sucks".

I believe Survivor is a central metaphor for modern employment. It's all about appearing to be indispensable while simultaneously doing as little work as possible, and at the same time scheming to undermine your fellow employees, so you can climb the corporate ladder and make a million dollars. And like my current job, it only lasts for 39 days. Damn you, crap cheap "reality"-based American TV!

If my boss is reading, I didn't mean the last joke.