July 1st marks the introduction of the GST in Australia, whereby the price of most goods and services will rise ten percent. "Don't worry" said Treasurer Peter Costello, "welfare is set to rise four percent". When questioned about the fairness of the tax, the treasurer also noted that, "The new tax system will more fairly tax (poor) people, deliver well deserved tax cuts (to the rich) and improve community services, like (private) schools and (private) hospitals. It's good!".
With the GST, all people who are providers of goods and services are required to get an Australian Business Number (ABN). Being a freelance writer, I am required to get an ABN, it's: 5CR3W-U-6OV'T.
Fifteen Backpackers tragically died in a hostel fire in the outback Queensland town of Childers. "Oh well, plenty more where that came from" remarked local Police Sergeant David Kelly to reporters, dusting off his hands. (Note: This joke first appeared in the March 2000 issue of Banana Report).
U.S. Television Network CBS has an unexpected hit on its hands with a new show entitled Survivor, in which a dozen people are stranded on a South Pacific Island. Remarkably, this is the only South Pacific Island which hasn't recently been the place of a violent and bloody coup, overthrowing and holding hostage the democratically government. The next series of Survivor will be filmed in outback Australia, where the contestant will have to constantly dodge bus loads of Japanese tourists, as well as avoiding Uranium mines and Nuclear waste dump sites.
US Multinational "coffee" chain Starbucks is set to invade Australia, with its first store opening in Sydney later this month. The advertising slogan chosen by the local franchise, "Home of the $6 coffee", has upset American management, who have replied, "they failed to mention how watered down it is". They hope to have ten thousand million stores in Australia alone by 2002, because Australia, particularly the inner cities, just don't have enough cafes already, DO THEY?!?!?! (In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic!)
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Star Wars Episode II has started filming in Sydney. According to Director George Lucas, this movie is supposedly the love story of the new trilogy, as "Jar Jar and Darth Maul get drunk at a party, and well, it leads from there".
The Chinese Government has executed 38 convicted drug traffickers in the last week. According to government sources, they're clearing the backlog so they can get to work on the dangerous and violent Falun Gong meditation sect. "How dare they silently meditate in groups of more than one. Such behavior is intolerable and punishable by death" said the source.
Drunken British Soccer fans have gone rioting during the Euro 2000 Football competition in Belgium. "Who'd have thought British football fans would get together in groups, get drunk and turn violent? We've never seen anything like this before. It was totally unexpected!" said one local man, who was obviously an idiot.
The Olympic Torch is currently making its way around Australia. The timetable for the next month is as follows:
#22, July 2000
JULY 1st: Kevin Gosper's barbeque.
JULY 3rd: Kevin Gosper's daughter's show and tell.
JULY 5th: Kevin Gosper's office.
JULY 7th: Kevin Gosper's high school reunion.
JULY 9th: Kevin Gosper's dinner party.
JULY 10th: Kevin Gosper's business lunch.
JULY 12th: AMP Headquarters.
JULY 13th: IBM Headquarters.
JULY 14th: Kevin Gosper's office again.
JULY 16th: Kevin Gosper's dog buries it in the backyard somewhere.
JULY 18th: Kevin Gosper's drinks down the pub with friends after work.
JULY 20th: NBC Headquarters.
JULY 21st: Channel 7 Headquarters
JULY 23rd: Kevin Gosper's Sunday afternoon drinking Margaritas by the pool and watching the footy.
JULY 24th: Ernie Dingo's housewarming.
JULY 25th: Surprise guest appearance on Channel 7's Ground Force.
JULY 26th: Blue Heelers.
JULY 27th: Harry's Practice.
JULY 28th: Rex Hunt's Fishing Australia.
JULY 30th: Kevin Gosper's interview for new job.
The Banana Report, Copyright Dylan Behan 1999. E-mail Dylan at d.behan@student.canberra.edu.au
Look for a new Banana Report here, around the 25th day of every month.
