Australia's newest popstars, Bardot have played to packed out shopping malls across the country. "Gee they sure do suck-o" said one unimpressed uni student who went to her local shopping centre to buy a carton of milk, only to find five leather-clad girls miming on stage in the food court. The crowds of young teenage girls caused one Adelaide mother to remark, "It's like Beatlemania but without any musicians". She also noted that, "back in my day we didn't have a weekly TV show just to promote a band... unless it was that dreamy Partridge Family. Now they had talent! Hey, is Danny Bonaduce still available?"
One girl in the audience commented, "They sing good-a, they dance good-a, they dress good-a". She then passed out, due to the fact her IQ was so low that she forgot to breathe.

Australia has announced that it may offer refugee status to the displaced white farmers of Zimbabwe under a similar scheme offered to the Kosovar refugees. Like the Kosovar refugees, they will be kicked out at our earliest possible convenience. "Basically they will step off the plane in Sydney, be welcomed by our prime minister in front of the worlds media, then get back on the plane to go back to widespread violence and persecution. Otherwise we will lock them up" said Minister for Immigration, Philip Ruddock.

Bill Clinton brought himself into the Elian Gonzalez controversy last week, when at a press conference last week he told reporters, "the decision we have to make is whether we want Elian to live under an evil, facist, corrupt government, or we want him to be sent back to Cuba".

Speaking of Bill Clinton, he was recently interviewed for the American ABC Network by movie star Leonardo DiCaprio. Next week Britney Spears is interviewing Nelson Mandela. Here's a transcript:
BS: So when you were like locked up in prison all those years did you like get to watch TV?
NM: Are those real or implants?
BS: Leave me alone, old man.
NM: Let's have a dancing competition!

Rupert Murdoch has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. "Don't worry," his publicist said, "he will receive the best treatment $100 million can buy".

Several multinational vitamin companies have been found guilty of price fixing and will be fined millions of dollars for unfairly increasing prices. To pay for this, the price of vitamins be increased.

The recent cricket bribery scandal involving Hansie Cronje has forced the sporting world to ask itself an important question: Don't South Africans have weird accents?

The stock market went down then up again. That's news!?!?!

Satellite photographs of Area 51 have been put on the internet. This marks the first totally non-pornographic photo to be put on the internet. At this rate, the internet could be a useful research tool within the next 20-30 years.

Protesters under the banner of "World Justice" have had mass protests in Washington D.C. during the recent World Bank and International Monetary Fund (IMF) meetings there. These anti-capitalist demonstrations have become quite violent recently. At this one, a protester got his Reeboks scuffed, while another spilt her Starbucks Grande Cafe Mocha. "Guess I'll have to go buy another one", said Linda Scott, 21 of Athens, GA. "Oh well". IMF delegates have had difficulty understanding the protests. "What part of giving away free money to poor people don't they like?" asked delegate Sanjay Fenton. The Secretary to the IMF, Leonard Tepper believes he has the solution. "If we give them some free money... will they go away?".

Whatever happened to Kriss-Kross? Maybe they "jumped" into a triple life sentence.

In a related story, Dylan Behan aplogises for the previous joke. It was really crap.

American Beauty not only swept the American Academy Awards, but also the British Film Academy Awards. It won the prestigious Best Movie about a Plastic Bag award for the second year running.

Dylan Behan aplogises again.

After a mass-screening of voluntary DNA samples in the town of Wee-waw, Australia, the man guilty of the sexual assault of an elderly woman has been found. Something makes me believe he NOW knows the meaning of the words "DNA" and "Voluntary". It's kind of like a doped-up Chinese swimmer volunteering to give their own urine as a sample at the Olympics... very stupid, or very honest and stupid.

Qantas has had another two minor accidents involving the collapsing of landing gears. Qantas has been forced to change its slogan to "The Spirit of Australia: Legless!"