The Banana Report

Issue Number #17

February 2000

It's been a busy 2 months (of holidays for me), so here's a replay of what we've missed.

New Years Eve: The date changed. Big Deal.

Y2K Bug: Newspapers all over the world reported problems in other parts of the world. Hence the Miami Herald reported on a few minor problems in Australia, while the Australian Press noted a few minor problems in America. In a related story, 95% of all journalists make up news.

Boris Yeltsin resigns: It would be considered a shock resignation, if he wasn't an unpredictable erratic drunk. Then did a funny dance.

Important Notice to Readers: Now that Boris Yeltsin has resigned, the Banana Report has lost it's easiest and most reliable target for jokes. So, starting next month, we begin a brand new series entitled "George W. Bush is a southern redneck crack-whore". Please stay tuned for that.

George Harrison was stabbed, then he re-wrote his song to say "Something in the he moves, stabs me like no other intruder. Something in the way he stabbed me, makes me bleed profusely". Then Boris Yeltsin did another funny dance. (Hey, this is the last month I can milk Boris for all he's worth... err.. figuratively speaking of course).

The Australian public and media have finally come to realisation that the GST makes no sense, 7 months after we voted it in.

Ian Thorpe was named Young Australian of the Year. Many young Australians are working curing diseases, genetically engineering food crops for the 21st century, helping eradicate child poverty in the third world and helping build better community facilities for poor outback communities. Obviously, all this work pales in comparison to the all important ability to swim really fast. Congratulations Ian Thorpe, you better win us a hundred thousand gold medals, or your award will be revoked and given to one of John Howard's non-law abiding children (ie all of them).

And now, criticism abounds with

The Yearly the Holiday Movie Round up:

American Beauty: It's a movie about a plastic bag, get over it.

Girl Interrupted: For a change, Winona Ryder plays a teenage pariah. You're not getting any younger, Winona. I doubt you can still do this same schtick when you're fifty.

End Of Days: Audiences and Critics agree: this movie sucks.

Sleepy Hollow: Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci don't get jiggy, so save yourself ten bucks and skip it.

Bicentennial Man: Robin William's worst movie since Robin William's last movie.

Angela's Ashes: You've fallen asleep reading the best selling book, now fall asleep watching the major motion picture.

Being John Malkovich: Almost as grounded in reality as an episode of The Goodies.

Any Given Sunday: On any given Sunday, anyone with any given sense would go see any other given movie.

Holy Smoke: Holy Smoke, this movie is crap. You should have drowned, Titanic girl!

The Insider: Russell Crowe plays a character less humane and more repulsive and vile than his Nazi skinhead face-kicker character in "Romper Stomper", a cigarette company employee. By the way, John Laws says smoking is good for you.

Stuart Little: The story of a mouse. That is all.

Fantasia 2000: Won't be in Australia for a whole year. Screw you, Disney!

The Green Mile: A black prisoner during the depression has magic powers, but not magic enough cause he dies at the end.