Banana Report #1

Banana Report #1: October 1998.

Each month an indepth report into the recent current affairs and news. We look at the month that has just passed, the month ahead, the current month, the month before last month, the month after that one, and all the months adjacent.

Malaysia is in a state of chaos, with large widespread anti-government protests following their hosting of the Commonwealth Games a month ago. The protests are not because Australia won so many medals, but because the former deputy Prime Minister, Mr. Anwar has been thrown in jail for alleged sexual misconduct. Under Malaysian law he can be detained in jail without a trial, as a matter of national security for up to two years. Bill Clinton will probably get a $50 fine and a stern talking to by Newt Gingrich for his sexual misconduct. DONÕT YOU LOVE DEMOCRACY!

In other political news, the Starr Report is alleged to have cost $55 Million so far. Which, isn't bad for a four hour movie. Titanic went for less than four hours, and cost over $300 million, so the US Tax Payers have definitely got their moneys worth!

And now a poem about the recent public commodity turmoil in the Pacific region:

Sydney has no water
Auckland has no power
Melbourne has no gas

Helmut Kohl has lost the German election for the first time in sixteen years, due to his failure to get rid of high unemployment and Eastern inequality in the country. His successor, Mr Gerhard Schroeder of the Social Democratic Party has promised "Jobs for all, especially me and I family. Me make Germany strong like as dead mule. I does eat everything. I am new name EuroMan. Power corrupts like money but gooder than things." (Very rough translation).

By the time you read this, there will be a result in the Australian Federal Election, held on October 3rd. Here, at the Banana Report we will use our powers of in-depth political analysis, to sum up the results if either side wins.

If Labor Wins: A GST will not be introduced.
If Liberal Wins: A GST will be introduced.
If One Nation Wins: Hell has just frozen over.

Coming up in the Month Ahead (probably):

Bill Clinton will be Impeached
Congress Elections gear up in the US
Kenneth Starr will release the final 8 billion pages of evidence
All the hot new Christmas products will be released
Stronger gun laws in Canada will mean water pistols will only be sold to persons over 21 with a valid gun licence, no criminal record and an IQ over 165.
Nobody will have a clue about that Swiss Air Disaster
The Commonwealth Games will be renamed, "The Australia versus the rest of the Commonwealth Games" (or the AVTROTCG as it will be commonly called). This is because, this year Australia won more medals than all the other countries combined, even if you count New Zealand as a country, which most people don't.